None of this is my fault:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

I am having a tough time especially as none of this is my fault; it was thrust upon me by my asshole ex husband. Things seemed to be fine until one day my now ex left me for a much younger woman. He felt he was living a lie and is now free to be who he really is. Now of course my three kids who were previously good students, one even all honors, are being truant from school hanging with shitty crowed and smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol. I am having a tough time managing work and bringing them to truancy court, counseling appointments. I don’t want my relationship to my kids to only be one of punishment, consequences, and yelling at them. Their dad is unreliable and has no real grasp of how shitty things have become for us or maybe he just doesn’t care?

Losing It.

 

Dear Losing it,

Sorry to hear how hard things have become for you. Divorce sucks. Kids get all confused, their natural pain in the ass thoughts and behaviors can exaggerate and there are too many fucked up other kids around that can magnify negativity and negative behaviors. I hope you have a good family councilor that can help.

Beware of guilt; it will undermine your any attempt to create a team and to express how their behaviors affect your life. Untimely it all boils down to people learning to ask themselves do they want to be an asshole or not and identifying what are asshole behaviors. Marijuana/alcohol is the other thing that undermines any attempt on not being an asshole as one can be an asshole by omission.

You need to have a hard line when it comes to marijuana and alcohol. If they are using the court needs to put them in substance abuse programs. We all know alcohol’s risks but marijuana screws up the brains ability to process information especially in the teenage brain and you can’t communicate with someone who just isn’t there.

I believe people need to see the big picture before they can focus on the details. Reality isn’t based on how anyone feels, people have to get over that fallacy, reality is based solely on ones behaviors they choose/choices they make in life and how those choices affect others and themselves.

Your kids behaviors are being shitty to you and ultimately they need to see that but at this time it isn’t relevant whether they like you or not. If a ship is sinking you plug the hole with whatever you can and it isn’t relevant how anyone feels about it. You need a lawyer and you need to know your legal rights are and what responsibilities your ex has to be legally doing for you and the kids. He isn’t “free” no more than anyone else that lives in a system.

 

I would suggest having your lawyer draw up a list of responsibilities you need your ex husband to do to help financially and with all these appointments and such including family therapy with him in attendance too. Have your lawyer present the plan to the court to reinforce. Then if he doesn’t follow it there will be legal and visitation consequences.

If the ex is using alcohol or marijuana himself that needs to be included in the plan and reinforced with DCYF if need be.

The same with the kids, your lawyer needs to draw up a list of their responsibilities and have that presented to the court to reinforce with consequences of not following, i.e. group home or drug treatment programs ect.

If you can’t afford a lawyer either free legal counsel or work with the social worker to have a plan you can present to the judge. But in reality if you don’t have a lawyer things don’t always go well especially if he does have one. It is the way our system is built.

 

 

The Granny Dr. says:

Wow, Losing It, you really have a load of crap to deal with. But I think Dr. Brilliant’s advice on the substance abuse program may have exactly the opposite effect you hope for. Here’s what the latest research shows:

Increasingly, substance-abuse experts are finding that teen drug treatment may indeed be doing more harm than good. Many programs throw casual dabblers together with hard-core addicts and foster continuous group interaction. It tends to strengthen dysfunctional behavior by concentrating it, researchers say. “Just putting kids in group therapy actually promotes greater drug use,” says Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA).

The exposure can be especially dangerous for impressionable youngsters. “I’ve known kids who have gone into inpatient treatment and met other users. After treatment, they meet up with them and explore new drugs and become more seriously involved in drug use,” says Tom Dishion, director of research at the Child and Family Center at the University of Oregon, who has documented such peer influence in scientific studies.

In academic terms, the problem is known as deviancy training, or the negative impact of friends on teen behavior — what parents would simply call a bad influence. In one 2000 study, in which researchers measured how much time teens spent together and how much they encouraged their peers’ misbehavior, Dishion found that social exposure to delinquent peers at age 14 accounted for 53% of adolescents’ life problems five years later — including criminal convictions, sexual promiscuity, relationship issues and drug use.

In another study looking specifically at the impact of group interventions, teenagers who had been identified as being at high risk for drug use and delinquency at ages 11 through 14 were more likely to smoke cigarettes and have disciplinary problems at school three years later if they had been enrolled in a teen focus group about drugs, compared with those who underwent private counseling sessions with their immediate families. “Any condition that promotes kids talking about or endorsing drug use [with one another] would increase the likelihood that the treatment would have a negative effect,”

 

I agree that you should get a lawyer to protect yourself and the kids against the crap the ex may try to pull, or evade.

But right now, the kids are cynical and rebellious, and attempting to regulate them via “the system” will make them rebel even more.

Their problem, at base, is not alcohol or pot. Their problem is that they had their home ripped out from under them, and dad has declared everything they trusted to be a lie.

If you acts desperate and stressed and starts issuing orders, she will alienate them further.

If you change your behavior too much, they will believe your love was a lie.

 

I suggest that, rather than treating the kids like problems and forcing them into the punishment of rehab,

you understand something- when kids are in shock or devastated, they act out.

What they need to know most is that Mom’s love is NOT a lie.

You needs to tell them that you understands that whether they know it or not, they are really fucked up over this, and your most fervent prayer is that they will not hurt themselves in blind, blanked out pain before they come out of it. You can’t stop them from being jackasses by hauling out the club.

But you can tell them that although you can’t control what they do outside the home,

while they are in her house, they will show you respect, because you deserves it, and you will treat them with respect, in hopes that in turn, they will act like humans who deserve it.

If they act like nasty little shits, you can tell them to go live with their father, who will undoubtedly recoil with horror. Too freakin’ bad. His life was a lie? Well, the kids ain’t a lie. They are right there.

Let’s see how he deals with that truth.

 

In the meantime, mom, you need a support group, or the assholes in your family will have you believing you are the one who is fucked up.

You need to do something to make yourself feel good too, instead of bashing your head against the problems. Too bad you can’t ship the kids out on a merchant marine boat where life is very real. Can you? It’s a thought. I wish you luck.

 

Dr. Brilliant comments:

I guess the reality is you really have no control and you have to be willing to say if you are going to treat me like shit and not care for yourselves, good bye, go to dad and let him deal with the shit storm he actually caused.

Ultimately kids have to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviors and let others be the idiots they are. The, “all people are assholes including myself, and try my best in life not to be an asshole,” theory helped me survive my tweenhood. Transactional Analysis /TA is the best working system to learn and teach me vs. them and what I am that I have found to date. There are books on it on Amazon. I’m OK You’re OK. and, Scripts People Live: Transactional Analysis of Life Scripts is another one. But there is a great synopsis believe it or not put out by our government, the one we used to have. Before bucket filling was the official system used in schools, TA was used. TA is a lot better.

Transactional Analysis

 

The Granny Dr. Responds:

The problem with situations like this is that there is nothing she can DO that will just get a result. The kids are going to retreat to their own support circles and maybe even pretend to cooperate, while doing whatever the hell they want.

 

All rules are out because everything is a lie, why bother?

 

That’s why her only choice is to cultivate her own strength and try not to let the asshole husband’s totally selfish choices embitter her or turn her into a controlling shrew with the kids.

 

The one lesson I’ve learned with my own son is that children of all ages have their own issues for their own reasons and they sometimes protect themselves by shutting out the very people who could help them.

There is nothing one can do but remain consistent and steady, not becoming angry at slights.

 

Sometimes all you can do is set an example with your own life and wait until others are ready to see. It’s much harder than taking action, but in the end, only relentless, consistent love can win if you want to preserve the family.

 

 

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The Law of Attraction is BS

 

Proof that the “secret/law of attraction” is BS. I just saw a 24 year old who isn’t using protection but sexually active and her desire is not to get pregnant. The universe is about to disappoint her big time! It isn’t our desires but our behaviors that make a difference. Our culture supports the opposite belief and thus a lot of why shit happens.

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The communication gap:

We all have heard of the generation gap, Miscommunication and misunderstanding due to differences in ones point of reference and pool of general knowledge, in this case caused by 10 or more year difference in age. Unfortunately in our country there is a new ever widening gap caused also by a differing in one’s general pool of knowledge but here it is caused by not your age but by your political slant. Today one’s knowledge base and one’s entire bases of how you see yourself and the world around you is influenced and possibly entirely determined but what news programs you watch, what internet sites you visit, and what books/papers/magazines you read. Whether you watch CNN and public broad casting vs. fox and other entertainment as news  programming or headline news via the internet or your phone you are being subjected to entirely different and incompatible world views and differing views of reality.

I hear daily people say we are all US citizen’s and have to learn to just get over it and deal with each other but this is not actually so simply and easily achievable. It is like saying the Israelis and Palestinian’s are all middle easterners and should just get over it and move on and love each other. It doesn’t account for the fact that their entire basis of reality is different and incompatible with each other.

In America we have the ‘love will conquer it all’ philosophy but this is just simplistic and in reality doesn’t work, for example, as seen in our 60% divorce rate then 60% divorce rate again with a second marriage.   It takes negotiation skills, compromise, an in-depth understanding of the issues, and most importantly an identified mutual intent to be able to communicate across any divide, i.e. a lot of work.   Also it takes the acknowledgement that the bases of one’s reality might not be actually true to be able to acknowledge that the other side might have a different yet legitimate intent and world view.

The reason love doesn’t conquer it all in marriages or in any situation in general is that if your beliefs affect my well-being in terms of safety, stability, and economics then I have a vested interest in what you choose to believe. I therefore cannot be objective or all accepting without placing myself in the position of martyr and thus be harmed by your actions.

Humans have two brains, the left (data) and the right (heart.) What is true in one is not often true in the other. Both can even be true yet different therefore human reality is at best ambiguous. An example is a mom and her daughter are arguing, both actually are entirely correct but their reference points are different by age thus they can be both correct yet saying the opposite things. The best we can do as humans is to strive for some balance between the two realities but this ambiguity leaves room for us to be manipulated and divided. Appealing to the heart over data is the bases of “alternative facts” i.e. propaganda and nationalism.

Entertainment news like Fox cater to right brain, emotion, where Public broadcasting news caters to left brain, Data.   Their differing slants offer entirely different and incompatible realities. Each represents different political views and different candidates who reinforce these beliefs.

Which camp you ascribe to affects my direct welfare because who you vote for and support makes decisions that in turn affect my health, sense of safety, and now days how I feel life on this planet will be or not be in the near future. One camp says this is malarkey and not real data, just paranoia of the liberal elites. They say we are ok and don’t need to worry about it, focus on the real issues here and now. The other camp says if we don’t plan for the future there isn’t going to be a future.

Although the simple answer is both are true and both need to be dealt with but this isn’t the view reflected in the political conversation at current. We seem to be in an either or.

The source of news you follow affects everything you believe, it creates more of a religion than just information. The communication divide is real and widening and gaining momentum worldwide in the form of a right wing Nationalism movement. The Dominos are falling. Just letting it go will not work and is the wrong approach as denial helps fuel its progression.   Educating oneself, questioning what you think you might know and not taking any information as true until you research what the source is and their agenda is. This can allow for real conversations across the divide based on researched data. Try to establish a mutual intent as this is the basis of any relationship.

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Why is life not like on TV?

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

Why aren’t relationships, marriage, and friendships, like on TV, I.E. Sex and the City, Golden Girls etc.

Sad

 

Dear Sad,

TV sets up for expectations that just are not reflected in reality. We are all busy and stretched and there isn’t 3 generational neighborhoods where everyone is right next door. Time, distance, and diversions make things difficult. The economic realities of both spouses working, longer work hours, and longer commutes make it difficult. Corporate policy to avoid paying for health insurance means more part time jobs without benefits. This causes people to juggle multiple jobs which really makes it difficult. The lack of extended local family and the high cost of daycare makes it difficult.

Reality can be sad and lonely and it puts a lot of pressure on marriages.  “You’re my everything!” isn’t realistic but our culture tries to make it so and actually needs it to be.  So when it’s not which enviably it will not be –  end of marriage.

Life is difficult and goals need to be fought for and consciously planned. You can’t just expect to fall into happy utopia, it doesn’t exist.  There will be conflict and the need to negotiate in everything.

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Friend or Acquaintance?

A reader recently asked me to expound on the difference between an acquaintance and a friend as she finds in her adult life most people she feels are acquaintances not friends. She describes a friend as someone she would feel comfortable leaving the keys to her house while she was on vacation.

In general an acquaintance is someone you can’t be 100% yourself with. You have to monitor your behaviors and worry about things like offending them, or alienating them or scaring them away, or worse the repercussions of something you might do or say as it gets spread around i.e. gossip. A friend knows who you are, accepts who you are, and isn’t spreading stories about you, so these aren’t things you generally think about. But I also find in life things don’t break down so black and white. As an adult what the reader would call an acquaintance is often what I would call a role friendship.

As kids and through our school years our roles aren’t really defined. We meet people through what we are involved in or where we live or through family but as we are not invested in single specialized roles. People we get to know as kids and through our school years can share much of us and get to know us on a broad base. As a kid you can invite your friends from different groups home and mix them with other friends as there aren’t specific necessary roles that divide them. To really know someone it’s necessary to experience them in many aspects of their life.

As adults our time is more invested into specific roles. If you still live as an adult in an area where you grew up and went to school then people know you pretty well and in many capacities but like most of us as we went through our lives we moved a few times and settled with our families somewhere entirely new. Now you only meet people in specific capacities/roles; our job, our identity as someone’s parent, our religious organizations. People you meet vs people your spouse meets.

It is harder to take people across these roles and thus to get to know them/us on a wide range of themselves/ourselves especially outside of the group or place you got to meet them in. We are all time crunched and invested in our roles and there is often a car ride between each role placement.

For example, You might not mix you sons school or baseball parents with your church or synagogue peers as they go to different ones than yourself and you might not mix your coworkers into these groups as they would have nothing in common and have no kids thus not relate or feel comfortable in the mix.

There are also larger numbers of people to have to deal with mixing. You have your spouse and kids and they theirs and this is true for each new person you meet and each has their different roles and ties and responsibilities.

Your boundaries within specific role groups have to match the expectation of the roles or you will be disappointed. You might not expect your peer at work to watch your house while you are gone thus you shouldn’t offer to watch theirs. Boundary mis-expectations often Leeds to disappointments, ill feeling, and conflict.

It is wonderful to ponder Sex and the City and dream about their close nit friendships but in real life this is rare and often only with college friends who no longer live in the same city or state with you.

Of course with great effort you can turn role friends like ones church or temple or play group into friends but it is difficult with all the adult responsibilities we have to devote the time necessary for this and when we do it creates small close nit groups (clicks) that are hard for anyone new to penetrate. This decreases the chance of it actually happening at all for many people.

It is sad but an inevitable part of growing up. It is hard to make and maintain friends as an adult and there are losses you will experience within your own family. Your kids whom acted like friends growing up only want to hang with you and be friends to about age 12. Then they want their own friends and activities outside of you. This is normal.   You become their chauffeur and you are their parent not their friend. That leaves your Spouse who hopefully will hang with you and to get together with role friends for specific role related social activities or to hang with your niche/click friends. Once your kids aren’t taking up all your free time you can join some activity and though that make new friends. I hear volunteer organizations like the Elks or the Lions work well as there are many facets of these groups so your spouse and you can make individual friends yet all still have the connection of the larger group.

This is similar to the niche/click friends you might have made though tour church or temple or kids group when your kids were younger.

 

 

 

 

 

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Furiously happy , why !

Life is interesting and complicated because reality is a duality. This means there can be no one Truth but instead many truths most of which are all true at the same time yet conflict. This is why we are in trouble when it comes to artificial intelligence (robots) but I will get to that later.

An example of one of these dualities is wonderfully and amusingly depicted in the book furiously happy by Jenny Lawson.

A machine can be built to be either sensitive or specific. As you get more of one you get less of the other. Sensitivity is the ability to pick things up and specificity is the ability to be correct. If a machine picks up everything i.e. sensitive it has a lot of false positives. If a machine is to be correct and true it then misses a lot i.e. false negatives

The brain is a machine.   Essentially the more you notice the less correct you are. The more correct you are the less you are aware of.

The author Jenny in Furiously happy displays a highly sensitive mind. She is aware of everything but a lot of what she is aware of is not true.   This is the basis of her anxiety and many more of the issues that she describes herself to be dealing with. In humans’ sensitivity is synonymous with Empathy. At high levels of empathy you are always aware of others but how you are aware of them mostly is not true. This makes her empathy, sensitivity, highly false positive and thus more about her assumption of others than of the others themselves.  She is aware of and sensitive to the suffering of others but to an extent of which her assumptions of how others are suffering is completely erroneous. It is experiencing others as if they were you, to which they are not. Highly empathetic people experience themselves as others. There is no self / ego.

Sensitivity is right brain and specificity is left brain. Sensitivity/right brain is based on emotion and specificity / Left brain is based on data.   What is true in one can be not true in the other at the same time. Right brain people experience emotion as data but emotion is not data it is emotion and emotion is changeable and true for the moment.

Our sense of self / our ego is held in the left brain as well as memory and intellect and learning. Our sense of others, group, emotion and empathy is held in the right brain.  The chemical that coordinates most left brain activity is dopamine and right brain activity is serotonin.   The balance of left and right brain is controlled by norepinephrine that turns down serotonin and oxytocin that moderates dopamine.  The meaning of it all is BALANCE.

The right brain emotion also works 12x faster than the left brains intellect. This is so to keep us alive. We don’t need to be correct but to react quickly if any possible danger so the majority of us are built to over react but some people are clearly experts in this. They are the human version of a peacock. Peacocks are the alarm bells of the animal kingdom. They react immediately and intensely to any environmental change.

Much of modern psychiatry screws this right left balance thing all up as focusing on details of symptoms they miss the big picture of how this balance is off. Highly empathetic individuals are not grounded in self thus are all over the place but it is not adhd but the inability to get out of everyone’s head or limit their sensitivity to emotional data. Too much data and no way to categorize it. Most of human’s language is nonverbal which is right brained and picked up instantaneously and unconsciously.  That’s why super right brained people get overwhelmed in groups as there is so much information and it comes so fast – people describe it to me as feeling almost clairvoyant.   Verbal language is left brained and the words to describe feeling places a box around them that prevents being overwhelmed by them.  Allows for the categorization of it. Rothko the artist depicted this with his geometric shaped painting with chaotic vibrant colors trapped within them.  His art contained/boxed his right brain experiences.  This is not adhd.  It is the inability to tag the emotional pictures such that they can be stored and no longer attuned to.   Right brain thinks in emotion but sees in pictures.  It only takes tad stimuli to create a picture that makes one feel they know that. But a lot of that is really made up information.  Right gist wrong story.  This all can cause anxiety as the picture of how a very right brained individual sees things works for a while then all of a sudden doesn’t as reality moved on from the picture/ expectation and the person can’t shift or change the picture in their head once it is formed.   Mood swings can occur as one needs that picture to be true as they can’t erase it and recheck into the environment to form a new one. When the picture is cracked a person is for a time untethered and can become dysphoric  i.e. limbo sucks.  A new picture or explanation of things will eventual form and they will now be 100% in that reality for a while.

Our two brain system I believe creates free will as there is never one answer to anything but just the best balance we can achieve. Everyone naturally leans toward either L or R brain but most people have some balance of both. Some people in extreme lean either Right or Left brain functioning i.e. Bipolar individuals are primarily right brained and Asperger’s individuals are primarily left brained. If you are only using 1 brain you don’t check your experiences against the other and might miss the big picture  or be out of sync with other people and reality.

This is one of the purposes in being in a relationship. Our openness to others allows ourselves to be more grounded in reality. The fun thing is the more extreme in either direction the less we are aware of the fact we need to be with others who conflict with our views.

 

Another right brained situation people can find themselves with is Dyslexia: Dyslexia isn’t just seeing things backwards the Dyslexic personality is someone who can’t take assumed knowledge as real and true until they discover it for themselves. I read that if a dyslexic walks into a room and everyone is sitting on the right, they will sit on the left. They wouldn’t see or assume that one should sit on the right.

These figuring things out on their own if misunderstood often can lead to anxiety or depression as there is a large social pressure to fit in and be just like everyone else. If the person is highly empathic on top of this there will be a lot of guilt with this not fitting in naturally. They may even try but it won’t work for long. As the book Fish in a tree points out. They are a Fish in a tree.  That’s why dyslexic’s like to make up their own words rather than use the tried old true ones for theirs are just so much better and the way the language should be.  This is another example in both Fish in a Tree and Furiously Happy.

 

Now why are we in trouble from our future artificial intelligent robot friends.   Again reality is a duality and a machine can only be built either sensitive or specific.   Our robots will be built specific and literal because at this juncture we know much of squat about right brain emotional processing.   This will be a problem as Asperger individuals (future robots too) are often really annoyed by others who they can find “stupid” or wrong or inefficient.

We really shouldn’t build AI computers until we have the capacity to build them like us with two conflicting brains. Otherwise the most logical thing to do with humans might be to get rid of them.

 

 

Caveat: Left and right brain in reality is a simplification, more a metaphor to make it easier to talk about the subject. Reality is more like how Deepak Chopra described it, each point of time and space is like a multifaceted diamond. Each facet is different representations of the same point. Therefore, Left and right are really all happing at the same time and in the same place.  But this makes it hard to conceive.  The idea of duality also is this way. It isn’t really a duality but a multifaceted reality all happening at the same time in the same place only not.  That’s why we will stick to simpler metaphors.

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I have had Enough thank you:

When I was in school they taught me the more medication the better. They taught me to push the doses of medications until symptoms disappear then leave people on that dose permanently. Since the time I graduated studies have shown that treating this way with medications alone in 10 years people are worse off than before they ever started treatment in the first place.  This makes sense because discomfort and suffering is the energy that motivates change. If you remove suffering completely there is no reason to change and no energy toward the motivation of change.

Medications are fine but should only be used to the point of diminishing suffering not eradicating it. It is all about balance. You don’t want to be so depressed that you can’t get out of bed but you also don’t want to be complacent in a shitty life situation.

Often you will have to tell your Dr. enough is enough.   Just because I am depressed or anxious doesn’t necessarily mean I want yet another medication or for you to increase my dose.  Instead can you refer me to a behavioral counseling program?

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Complacency in apathy:

Normally I couldn’t be bothered by politics. I always vote for president but don’t really follow anything political until the papers and news headline nothing else. Normally I am complacent in the fact that it doesn’t really matter democrat/republican – different type of the same toilet paper, not different enough to normally make me care. I can be apathetic as the system is stable enough without my input.

This year is different. I like many others are apprehensive. Trump isn’t following the standardized rules. Where Hillary is playing politics as it has been played since the middle ages, Chess, Trump is playing Poker. He is betting the whole pot, the whole system, bluffing and constantly upping the ante. A strategy that is unfortunately working. I will be pleasantly surprised if he doesn’t win this election. If trump wins he will rapidly change the purpose of his game from chess to monopoly. He will buy and sell America.

Although the system does need change, Trump is not the change we need. He is anti climate – he wants to heavily invest in coal, He wants to privatize the prison system giving financial incentive the more prisoners you have, he talked of dismantling the federal reserve, He is against the electoral system but direct democracy removes all the protections our founding fathers created, He wants to leverage the countries debt and run our country like one of his businesses. He has bankrupted many businesses and doesn’t pay his bills on others. If he follows his business philosophy as commander and chief of this country when he leverages then defaults on our debt (most likely with Russia) it would mean either we all need to learn Russian or it could instead mean War.

I don’t care how much you do not like Hillary, You should FEAR THIS MAN. Now is not the time to be complacent or apathetic. Vote or it will be too late.

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You’re kids are so lucky to have you:

I hear almost every day, you are so smart your kids are so lucky to have you as their dad ….

The greatest irony of this whole business of observing people and giving advice is you would think that all you have learned and everything you know would make a difference in your own life. Been there heard that no problem I know just what to do. But in reality it doesn’t.

Your kids know you, they do not know that what you know is wright or wrong, brilliant or profound. Your kids know you so well and they know what your buttons are, they know just how to challenge you. Developmentally they even have to challenge you to test what you know to know if it is true. That means they will be better at messing with you than anyone you have ever come across before, even your spouse.

This is why in and of itself nothing you know, no truth, no philosophy, no wisdom, really matters at home. It isn’t that they will challenge directly but you yourself and your consistency in your belief and knowledge when they try to shake it.  And shake it they will.

But if you don’t freak out or loose it too badly, and learn to stay consistent; if you understand what is really being asked; then you are role modeling your knowledge, your belief and teaching it is in fact true.

Over many years you might get to observe them in their behavior mirroring you and yours. Hopefully it was the same ones you were trying to teach rather than the reactive ones you might have modeled?

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A mom with no kid

I met a nice single lady with no kids today who can’t sleep. She is up worrying all night. She focuses on what she cannot control and doesn’t pay mind to what she can as much of what she can isn’t the end point she would like to see or have happen.   Although she has yet to have her own children she is like every mom worrying over the life and success of her child, that of which she has no control over. Too much of this Sisyphean stance toward life and one will end up feeling anxious, defeated and depressed as it causes one to feel personally responsible for everything in life that goes wrong or doesn’t succeed. It’s these boulders that one is trying to sleep on every night. We can control many of the small things in our lives like our decisions but we have no control whatsoever on outcomes.

Like my bumper sticker used to say: “Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.”

If we concentrate on the first two we can sleep. If we focus on the latter, boulder city!

There is a sixth sense humans have. It is what I will call ambience sense. Like how a color influences how you feel in a room, or how music can make you happy or apprehensive based on the rhythm and tones, this sense influences how we interpret the meaning of our surroundings. If this sense is focused inwardly and not out in our environment as it is supposed to be to help keep us alive it can make us paranoid or bitter or helpless. Everything will be interpreted via the stunted sense. It is inheritable as well. Not necessarily genetically but via another sense humans have, empathy. We pick up the mood of others and it feels like our mood. If we grow up in an environment where mom or dad are always apprehensive, fearful, angry ect. that will often be our ambience sense as well. We might walk on eggshells in life. Or try not to crack eggshells?

So how can our nice lady learn to focus on what matters, what she actually has any influence on? The most effective way to gain control is letting go of control. Only then you will learn to be flexible. Studies show that happiness is directly tied to flow. Being caught up 100% in the moment. This challenges ones brain to problem solve and improvise which are what the brain’s purpose is in the first place. It is what we are best at naturally but don’t often know it. So we never do it. We spend 90% of our lives fucking up the way our brain works best. This is the practice of what the Buddhists call the doing of non doing or active non doing. It just means getting out of the way. For instance you can’t stop a wave but you can climb on the back of it and ride it. It takes some practice but this works well for panic, apprehension, and or control issues.

It is Ironic that what we are able to do naturally and automatically is not  intuitive in our culture.  We have learned to micromanage everything especially ourselves.

Our lady, the mom with no kids, is already helicopter parenting.  But the most effective parenting for success has been shown to be in letting your kids actually experience disappointment and failure and encouraging them to problem solve.

This same Lady asked me the meaning of life. I had an answer, “BALANCE!”   One manifestation of balance is this, like with the wave, learning to climb on the back of life rather than trying to stand up to it and force it to stop for you.   There are other manifestations of balance but that is another essay.

Our Nice Lady will one day be a good parent for she really cares  but with some active non doing she will also be an effective parent.

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