Chemistry a self-indulgent delusion:

Over the last few weeks I have kept hearing the same thing from different people of all sorts of different backgrounds. “He/She was a real nice person and not like those I usually date whom are always disasters but I just can’t do it, there was no Chemistry! And I can’t be with someone who just doesn’t do it for me.”

The problem is after many repeated disastrous relationships people have from neglect to abuse to betrayal to having a codependent infant as the other, one would hope you learn that your instant i.e. “chemistry” is broken and no one you are attracted to will be anything other than a looser or dick, ever!

Chemistry does exist but it isn’t what you think. It isn’t a romantic soul connection. It is not fate. It is not destiny. It is a simple reflex that studies show can be as simple as sustained direct eye contact. The reflex is then perpetuated and reinforced by a story narrative you carry in your head based on upbringing and past exposure. In other words, you have a right brain emotion based on some environmental stimuli; he/she met your eye, you brushed against him/her then your left brain adds a rationalization.  Your inner story that you impart on the event most often is complete horse shit.

The story your left brain convinces you is true but is based on role modeled relationships in your life, your religious upbringing, your culture, media and Disney i.e. all the bullshit you were told to be true that just is not. The chemistry feeling is more about you than the person you are having it for. It reflects what you think you deserve, what you desire to be true, the image you have of yourself and what you believe of love, sex and attractiveness.

In other cultures, you meet your spouse at the moment of marriage and you just work it out from there. No chemistry story. Studies show relationship happiness is no more or less in these cultures than that in our soulmate and chemistry interpretation of reality culture. Every culture has entirely different interpretations of reality and as such different sets of expectations and interpretations that they gage happiness and fulfillment on. None are any more right or wrong than the others just different.

The point is that when you learn reality is ambiguous and entirely up for interpretation you can learn to question your instant and chemistry. You needn’t base behaviors on a feeling that doesn’t reflect your real values and intent. Reality doesn’t care how or what you feel it cares solely on what you do. If you pick someone with mutual intent and the skill set to have the relationship that you are striving for the chances are good it will happen. If you instead pick someone with good Chemistry but lack of intent and skills there is no chance of success, NONE!

Relationship success isn’t lotto. If you hope dream, put your intention into the universe gambling on the law of attraction but pick some idiot without relationship skills or is 50 shades of fucked up, and there is no mutual intent, there is 0 chance of it working out!

Dr. BrilliantCliche


About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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2 Responses to Chemistry a self-indulgent delusion:

  1. Realistic says:

    There is no special chemistry between two people that cause attraction. Chemistry is subjectively defined. Like Dr. Brilliant Cliche wrote, people are influenced by culture and social media, such as television, fairy tales, etc. of what a relationship is supposed to be or what your spouse supposed to be. I agree with Dr. Brilliant Cliche. “The chemistry feeling is more about you than the person you are having it for. It reflects what you think you deserve, what you desire to be true, the image you have of yourself and what you believe of love, sex and attractiveness.” Once you have that so call chemistry relationship, it may not be the right relationship for you.

    Bottom line, don’t look for that chemistry. Look for the characteristics that you admire in that person. A relationship will work if you pass that superficial chemistry thing, be open to communication, appreciate and value each other’s characteristics, don’t hold the each other to unrealistic standards or compare to a fictional character, just see the goodness of that person, and don’t be selfish. Put yourself in the other’s shoes and “understand” why they are feeling the way they do.

    There is no such thing is chemistry magic.

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