It is all a crap shoot:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

I am 25 and thinking about getting married but the statistics are grim. What is the secret?

Hopeful

 

 

Dear Hopeful,

Before today I would have told you about mutual intent, goodness of fit, communication skills and expectations. Things like: there is an I in team and balance of: family, self, vocation and play. Setting up a life is the same as setting up a nonprofit. You can’t sleep with anyone you are mothering. Even the ideas of stable ponying and the theory of transactional analysis.  But a friend said to me today “What are you wacked? The stats are at least 50 percent divorce amongst every economic group, every culture, every race, every religion, every vocation, mixed couples of every possible combination and at every educational level. And they maintain 50 percent or higher on second and third marriages.” Essentially she said “It’s all a crap shoot.”

I am not entirely convinced that there aren’t pockets as all my friends from high school’s marriages are intact and strong going on twenty years or more but there doesn’t appear to be any magic formula no matter what or whose book you read. And science based on every other mammalian species would predict humans for serial monogamy not monogamy. So maybe it is all a crap shoot but that doesn’t mean don’t do it.

Hopeful, I can tell you this “Deal with the tragedies as they occur for they will occur.” Hell we all die but that doesn’t mean don’t live your life to its fullest! Remember Everything is imperfect. Enjoy what you can while you can and make the best life for yourself you can. Pick someone to be with that you can see surviving those tragedies with you and being there for you.

 

Today’s Cliché: “ Skills are a better bet than fun.”

 

And stay Hopeful,

 

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

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About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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3 Responses to It is all a crap shoot:

  1. A reader wrote in “It is not 50% chance , it is about tolerance, acceptance, and tradeoff!”

  2. Definitely hopeful says:

    You don’t have to be one of the statistics. The question is, do you want to spend the rest your life with that person? And are you willing to work and make sacrifices?

    I believe a lot of marriages fail because people don’t understand what does it mean to be married. Like any relationships, it takes work from both to make the relationship last.

    Before you go into a marriage, you have to find yourself. You have to bring happiness into the relationship and don’t expect your spouse to make you happy; and it goes both ways. If you look towards your spouse to make you laugh, to fill a void in your life, you shouldn’t get married. Once you are married, your spouse should be the only person you should live for and do things with. You should be each other’s best friend, no judgement, no competition, and need to be one.

    But there are exceptions to what I said. For example, a friend of mine who married a person 1/3 younger than him because he was lonely and wanted to find someone to do things with. Basically, my friend was looking for a companion and not a partner. Well, his young companion/spouse was restless and decided to search for other playmates secretly. My friend was devastated and he didn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to grow old by himself, so he has to ask himself what can he tolerate and accept. So, he made the choice, he decided not to leave his spouse because he doesn’t want to be alone. He accepts the fact that his spouse will seek others, and he doesn’t want to know.

    The bottom line, know yourself, don’t expect your spouse to fill your void, exercise high tolerances, communicate your acceptances, make compromises, and come together as one person.

    • Hopeful, I agree with most of what you point out but not “Once you are married, your spouse should be the only person you should live for and do things with. You should be each other’s best friend” It is ok to have other friends and persuits. In fact I don’t believe the marriage will survive without them. Also “best friends” has to be defind. I don’t believe you marry your best friend as friends don’t go home with you and don’t have a vested interest on the state of your mental health where a spouse does. If one of a couple is unhappy it directly affects the health and happiness of the other and the whole family. This means you cant be objective with a spouse where you can with a friend. Also you can be judgmental with a spouse as again their behaviors affect the quality of your life. The example you give, I believe the guy is an idiot. By his practicing total unconditional acceptance he will have a shitty existence. You are never one person with a spouse. There is an I in team. Couples that sacrifice and have only “one” , often one partner is invisible, taken for granted and codependent. But we probably just differ in semantics and if discussed issues at length might actually agree?

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