Always on Call for them and not for me:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché;

I work in a profession where long hours and unexpected emergencies are par for the course. My wife knew this when we got married; in fact I think that the fact that I was a good provider was at the top of her list as to why I was husband material. At first my work wasn’t a problem. But we are into year two and she is beginning to resent “taking second seat to your job.”

It strikes me as weird because I haven’t changed at all. I still take her out to dinner and buy her presents. I still call while I’m away and pay attention to her when I am home. It was enough for her before. Why isn’t it anymore?

Mike Missing

Dear Mike,

Two years into a relationship is an entirely different story from dating or honeymoon infatuation. A lot has changed that you may not have noticed. Here are some ideas to consider: 1. Everyone comes into a relationship with hopes, dreams and expectations. By year two reality may have played out very differently. 2. By the end of the first year many couples have all their eggs in one basket. Extended social networks tend to constrict over the course of marriage and new ones need to be formed. “You’re my everything” may be romantic at first, but by year two, it is wearing thin. 3. It is baby time. Was this part of your plans? Are you fulfilling your end of the bargain? This may be as important for her as your job is to you. If a baby comes into the picture, keep in mind that your absences will translate into an inability to provide help. This might be a necessity but it will still be frustrating for her.

Be glad she actually misses you and wants your constant presence in her life. Express your appreciation often and tell her that you understand it is hard. When a baby comes, ask her if she needs a nanny to help out. Many women are silent sufferers and feel guilty if “THEY DON’T DO EVERYTHING.” This type of sacrifice is a sure fire route to divorce.

Oh, I almost forgot- women like to talk about things. If in the last two years you haven’t shared all the ins and outs of your work and daily struggles she is probably feeling left out. Relationships are work. Work at it and you will have a relationship.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

The Granny Doctor wants to point out that the only certainty in life is change. You say you haven’t changed. That may be the problem. Take a good look at your marriage NOW and learn a few new tricks. When you took your vows they probably did not include “I will put our relationship in a box and never reexamine it.” Dr. Brilliant is right- biological time clocks tick louder as time goes on. Whether your plans for the future include babies or not, the issue should be discussed.

And one other question- you don’t mention what your wife does while she waits for you to come home. Does she need fulfilling work of her own? Talk about all of this! It will do more for your marriage than dinner out and a new necklace.

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About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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One Response to Always on Call for them and not for me:

  1. ken says:

    Dear Mike.
    Many jobs are confidential and can’t be shared with your wife. If that is the case, you’ll have to catch up on what she has been doing. Make sure you have valuable responses to whatever she is talking about. If your sex life has diminished, set a date night and let nothing interfere with it. If you have to make any adjustments to any plans you have together, don’t assume she’ll understand. Explain what you are doing, and if she hasn’t already asked why, tell her. Try not to bring your work home literally or emotionally. It she’s complaining, it’s an opener for growth, don’t miss the opportunity.

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