The other half of co-dependence:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

My therapist told me to find a book on co-dependence so today I visited the Sober Camel, an AA book store. My last two husbands were alcoholics and my therapist is trying to prevent me from getting involved with yet another one. There were so many books on this theme that I spent the whole day flipping through them but I just did not seem to fit the mold. They talked about shame, guilt, poor self esteem and being easily manipulated. That is not me. I am a good Christian and I loved my husbands despite the fact that they were good for nothing. I did everything in my power to help them. They became my whole life. It was only when things became so bad that it was affecting our kids that I left number one. Number two left me, despite the fact that I put him through school! As soon as he got on his feet he walked away.

I have infinite love and don’t see myself as having poor self esteem. I am just being a good person. Does this make me co-dependent?

Belle

Dear Belle,

You are quite codependent in a way that is common in our culture- you put other’s needs before your own. You sacrifice yourself and show your love by doing tasks. You are a ‘giving tree,’ like in Shel Silverstein’s book of the same title. You see yourself as a hero but heroes die and giving trees get cut down. The consequence in your case is that you are role modeling codependent dysfunctional relationships for your kids. This is why children of enablers often marry substance abusers themselves.

It’s true that books are often written solely from the point of view that partners of alcoholics are victims; but as you noticed, you are not a victim. I’ve found that just as often, it’s the case that when one partner does too much, it enables the other to do too little. By your sacrifices you are only maintaining status quo; and your partner can continue to avoid his own issues.

Codependent enablers often see themselves as heroes rescuing others. But this type of rescue keeps partners weak and violates their free will. Instead of being grateful, they just get mad at you. Being rescued fosters dependence; adults often resent those they depend on.

Enabling heroes believe that love is redemptive. Ironically, the more you love someone unconditionally the more they are likely to stay the same. A broken child can sometimes be healed to a certain extent by unconditional love; but not always.

Change is difficult and really can only be achieved through personal struggle. People often don’t choose this personal struggle if someone else is enabling them. A healthy life is about balance. I recommend you try to find someone who can take care of themselves yet still chooses to be with you. This is more a balanced relationship.

The rule of thumb I teach clients is, “If you are mothering someone you can’t sleep with them, that is incest!”

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: the Martyr Hero model has been around for a long time. It’s a fabulous diversion for people who prefer to focus on solving other’s people’s problems rather than fixing their own. My own mother was a martyr and I despised her for it. After undergoing therapy in my 20’s I realized exactly what her problem was and tried to talk with her about it. She was oblivious. She couldn’t imagine seeing the world any way other than she did. She tolerated a neglectful husband and meddled in everyone’s life on a constant basis until a month or so before she died of heart failure at age 59. At that point, she was just too tired to care anymore.

The last time I saw her, it was such a relief to not have her asking me what I wanted every five minutes and presenting me with things she’d bought me that I’d never need or want. It was the fondest memories I have of her. I didn’t cringe every time she came in the room. I didn’t know she was going to die, I just saw that she’d finally hung up the martyr shroud and it was like a burden had been lifted. Solve your own problems, Belle, and stop meddling and mothering. No one appreciates it quite as much as you.

Advertisements

About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The other half of co-dependence:

  1. It’s true that Belle is codependent. It’s easy to point the finger at someone else’s poor behavior or addiction. I did that myself decades ago, and had no idea that I felt like a victim, though I was. This type of caretaking does enable the other person and provides the codependent (actually, they’re both codependent) a sense of moral superiority (even if it’s based on being a loving Christian), which compensates for underlying and often unconscious low self-esteem.
    Darlene Lancer LMFT, Author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You”
    http://www.whatiscopendency

    • Dear Darlene,

      Thank you for your comment and I have been recommending you’re book,Conquering Shame and Codependency, for clients since the Sober Camel introduced me to it. It was just the easy to read and relate to style I was looking for. I guess I will be going back to buy Codependency for Dummies.

      Thanks Again,

      Dr. B.C.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s