Dr. Brilliant Cliché,
I know that you regularly address various issues related to the pitfalls and obstacles of dating.
I have a question for you- what about when the person looking to date has been diagnosed with mental health issues? How does such a person find the right person to date?
Ok, that is a very general question, so I will be more specific. The person in question is myself. Due to the make up of my psyche, I only seem to meet men who need to be “fixed”. This can be fun at first; but it soon becomes tedious when I realize that there is no “fixing” them. The relationships all eventually come to an abrupt end.
I don’t know why, but I don’t seem to be attracted to men who are psychologically well-adjusted. The few times I have attempted dating this type of man, I have been bored out of my mind. I am beginning to believe that a sane partner is just not in the cards for me.
You meet many different types of people. If you select only broken people, “fixer uppers,” it means you yourself must be broken too. We can only be with someone who reflects the skills we now have.
There are two important things that need to be addressed before you can change your path:
Intent: – you first have to think about what kind of relationship you would like to occur then work backwards from there. What would be the skills this relationship would need have in order to exist? You then only pick people who have those skills and you learn to acquire them and practice them yourself.
Balance: – The world isn’t black and white. All relationships are half your partner and half you . If you do too much, they do too little. If you are doing all the steering, you aren’t in a relationship. These are your choices, and not someone else’s fault.
If you are mothering someone and you sleep with them, that is incest.
A mothering relationship is not equal. If you want an equal and reciprocal relationship, you need to choose a partner who is not a child. Ask yourself what type of a relationship you want.
People can be measured by what they do and how they affect others. Either the people you are attracted to do nothing, or you’re not allowing them to do anything. It feels good to take care of someone but if it isn’t equal and reciprocal, it’s a job not a relationship. Even with kids this is true- over time you have to allow them to grow and reinforce their ability to take care of themselves. If you don’t do this you will cripple them emotionally. Ask yourself what kind of parent you want to be.
Listen to what you are asking, then look at what you are doing. You say that consistency, predictability and security is boring. Perhaps the chaos you have is exactly what you want. When you change your intent, you will find different things. There may be no right person to date, but there are right skills to bring to dating.
Remember the saying: be careful what you wish for, you might get it!
Dr. Brilliant Cliché
Granny says: OK, so Elizabeth finds stable, predictable men boring as hell. So what? So do I. Predictable men have generally not done much thinking outside of the box and they tend to have little creative ability, either in conversation or in bed. However, there is a BIG difference between unpredictable and oppressively neurotic. It seems to me that the problem is not so much that Elizabeth chooses men who aren’t sane…the problem seems to be more that she chooses men who are freakin’ babies. That becomes as boring as “predictable” after a while.
Dr.Brilliant’s Intent formula may be useful when it comes to personal behavioral change; but when it comes to the laws of attraction, behavioral science is on weak ground. If we ourselves are flawed, then whatever choices we make will likely be flawed as well. Deciding what kind of man you want to be with and then readjusting yourself to that end is ridiculous.
The people we become involved with can teach us many lessons. The men Elizabeth has become involved with should show her that she has some personal lessons to learn. But she needs to learn them for HERSELF and for no other reason. I don’t recommend trying to apply some formula in order to find the right partner. The intent is all wrong. That’s like trying to lose weight to attract a man. One’s motivation for weight loss should be for physical and mental health, not in order to hook some guy. No one should ever try to change themselves for someone else, it’s a formula for disaster.
Yes, when you change your intent, the men you are attracted to will definitely change too. But who knows how that will play out. Nothing guarantees the ideal mate. So, change for yourself. It’s the only motivation that will keep you motivated for the long haul.