Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché;
There was a question brought to you a week or so ago by a woman who had a male friend she preferred to remain platonic with, while he had other ideas.
You gave her some good advice, what do you have for me?
I recently was honest with a guy who has been mooning over me for years and told him I would never want a physical relationship with him.
I really had thought we were friends- we shared many interests and are in the same profession. We used to be able to go places together and have fun.
Now that this issue has come to a head, he’s decided that we shouldn’t see each other very often because he was never going to stop wanting more.
I’m totally pissed off at this and feel like I was told: “If you won’t give me what I want, I don’t value your friendship.”
I realize he’s protecting himself and probably feels rejected. But I feel insulted. A female friend also once surprised the crap out of me by revealing a sexual attraction and then telling me she couldn’t be friends anymore if I wouldn’t play sex games with her.
I feel like: what the hell? Do I have no worth as a human being in my own right?
Or do people only want to be near me if they think they can get their hands on me?
What The F___k
You have a perfect right to feel pissed off and sad at the loss of companionship, but you are looking at the source of these situations backwards. None of it really has to do with you or your worth as a person. Both of your friends have issues that are all about them. Listen to what they are saying: if they have no chance at possessing you then they want nothing to do with you. This isn’t about a mutual relationship.
I would ask yourself why is it that you hang out with people who are incapable of sublimating their desire. Healthier people do all the time.
Good friendships can blossom from previous amorous intent if boundaries are drawn and these rules are accepted by both sides. This is an equal and healthy relationship. When one-sided blaming, manipulation and guilt are involved, it isn’t equal or healthy.
Stay consistent in your intentions and find healthier people to play with,
Dr. Brilliant Cliché
Granny says: mourn not his passing. It sounds to me like this guy had a hidden agenda throughout your entire friendship.
My fifth grade teacher gave us an inspirational talk the first day of class that I’ll never forget. It was about being strong and holding to values, not settling for less out of fear. She summed it up with “when the half gods leave, the true gods arrive.”
Your friend was a half friend. Let him go. The true friends will arrive.