She jumped the traditions but maintained the culture:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché:

As soon as I was old enough I ran from my home. In my country woman are peons. There is no divorce. It is seen as a man’s right to have extramarital relations and a man can just buy another wife if he’s unhappy with the one he has. If a woman returns to her father’s house after being married, she will be beaten.

So I came to America. I got an education and a profession; but then I got married! At first things were great. He let me enjoy my freedom and independence. That was, until we had children. Now, after four children, I might have just stayed in my country. Although he doesn’t beat me he does nothing to help. I have grown to resent him. I feel very isolated since I do not relate to American women of my own race. It’s ironic, because people from outside our race lump us all together. But being raised in my country is like coming from a different planet.

I feel stuck and do not know what to do. I can’t divorce him. He is a great dad and my family would disown me. What am I supposed to do?

So Lonely

 

Dear Lonely

Culture is comprised of traditions. Traditions are something you can opt to follow, or not, but you can’t opt out of culture because it is the base of your knowledge; it’s you!  Opting out of a culture is tantamount to unlearning how to read.

I have seen many people try to marry into other cultures to escape their own but they don’t really understand the values and expectations that they jump into. And a good understanding of your own behaviors is required before you can understand someone else’s.

People don’t always voice their expectations of each other but these expectations can shape each other’s behaviors over time nonetheless. I suspect that when a problem arises in your marriage, you do too much mind reading and express too little verbally. What you accept may be out of sync with what you would prefer to receive.

You need to talk seriously with your husband. Create some new traditions, perhaps with the help of a counselor. You could also choose to explore one of the cultures around you… all cultures have different rules and expectations. Choose one that suits both of you; but that is a conversation which must be well understood.

When people jump cultures the most powerful thing they lose is community.  Community is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it provides support; living apart from a community places stress on families and individuals alike. However, community is also the force that perpetuates any atrocities that exist within a culture.

Your job as a parent is to create or find a healthy positive community for your children so that they won’t be trapped in the same cycle that you are trying to escape.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

 

Granny says: cultural differences aside, there is one tradition that should carry forward into relationships wherever you go: TALKING between partners. You have to be able to identify and talk about problems or they can’t be solved.

Perhaps when you left your old culture behind, you expected everything about yourself to change along with your new location. But this makes about as much sense as it does for a junkie to think that if they simply stop using drugs, then everything will be fine. Unfortunately, the problems that drove a person to take drugs don’t miraculously disappear when the drugs are taken away. All this does is uncover them.

You are the same person you always were, and YOU chose your husband. It is not surprising that after a number of years, you began to unconsciously fall into the same sort of relationship that you saw around you as a child.

The key word here is “unconsciously.” Childhood programming is so reflexive that we seldom realize we are doing it. This is why TALKING is so important. Talking is not unconscious, it is in the moment and to the point, especially if you also seek the perspective of a third party counselor.

Chances are that your husband has not deliberately fallen into his role any more than you have deliberately chosen yours. I suspect that if the two of you can start a healthy dialog, you are going to be able to bring your relationship to a point where you can consciously build a better future.

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About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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One Response to She jumped the traditions but maintained the culture:

  1. Destiny says:

    Lonely, your marriage is not a cultural issue. It happens in the American culture too. As a person, you create your destiny. The beauty of being on the States is that you have that opportunity. Your husband does nothing to help you, you have to demand it. You should NOT hold back your thoughts but to express yourself! If he can’t tolerate that and dare to raise a finger at you, you are protected.

    The bottom line, you chose to leave your country because you disagree with the culture. You came to this country for a better life, you are in the USA and if you allow things to happen, you are responsible for the results. There are many women of different races you can relate to and you don’t have to relate to the American women of your own race. Culture and/or tradition, you have choices in THIS country.

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