Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché;
I went out with my husband for about a year and a half before we were married. I was recently divorced, with a child, and rushed into it because I needed security. But now I am 6 months in, and I find myself wondering if I made a big mistake. My husband’s affection was sporadic at best in the beginning but I thought he’d warm up with time. But now I am virtually a widow. He spends every night at the office until nearly 11pm. I know he’s there, because I call- at first I’d thought it was another woman. Now I don’t know what to think. He doesn’t want to touch me, has insisted on his own room. He barely acknowledges my daughter. His work is going well so my mom tells me not to complain. He’s got a reasonable excuse for being there. But I’m so unhappy. And there’s no way to talk to him. He just shuts me out.
What gives with this guy? What did I do?
Miss Ann Thrope
You answered your own question. “rushed into it because I needed security…. thought he’d warm up with time.” Well, you got security…at least for now. To be honest, a dog would have been a lot better. Never, let me repeat, NEVER marry for someone’s potential, what they might become. You get what you get. People aren’t plants. Past behavior predicts future behavior. If they cheated they will cheat. If they treated their first wife like crap they will eventually treat you like crap too. If they claim their first wife was crazy, hey they married them; it means they are equally as crazy. Why would anyone change? Why should they?
So now you have to decide what to do. Either accept him as he is and will always be, or start over again.
Chalk it up for another life lesson or life’s stupidity tax. WE all pay often.
Good luck; but don’t ever expect a bail out to be simple or without strings attached.
Dr. Brilliant Cliché
Granny adds: there are many reasons a man can marry you other than to have an honest intimate relationship with you. You had your hidden motives. He may have too. Gay men have been known to marry and keep their sexuality a secret. Your husband could also have an active sex life on the web and be spending his evenings with his “friends” while you sit at home, covering for him.
My advice is to remember there’s no such thing as a free lunch. You wanted security. This is what you paid for it. People bitch when they have to pay cash for things but when you pay cash you know exactly what you are paying. When you try to get things for “free”, god knows what you will pay.