A child is not a DOG!

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché:

A woman develops a burning desire to have children.  Her husband does not share her desire but he loves his wife and offers a compromise:  he will agree to have children as long as she exclusively raises the children.   He will live with and support the household financially but does not want to be involved with the children.

Is there a remote possibility that children could flourish in – or at least not be harmed by  such an arrangement?

Is there ever a realistic way to compromise when one spouse wants a child and the other does not?

Thanks.

MIss Givings

 

Dear Miss Givings,

Although this situation often happens, and usually without either a warning or contract, it is always a bad idea. If the father didn’t live in the house it would be easier- he’s a sperm donor, and done is done. But if he lives in the house, or if the mother has any continued relationship with him, it is a recipe for children with behavior problems. Any child wants attention and is good at getting it either negatively or positively. An uninvolved father will generate negative attention. Besides, no matter how much this woman wants a child, it is very hard to raise a child alone. You’ve heard it takes a village!!

Why is this woman even contemplating this rotten arrangement?  This loving husband is an idiot! A child is not a dog. A dog gets between your feet. A child will get between whatever sort of relationship they have currently.

Just say NO.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

 

Granny says: wait a minute, I have to wipe the drool off my chin- my mouth was hanging open in sheer astonishment.

Only an man in terminal stages of denial could imagine having children and then remaining diplomatically indifferent to them while his wife struggles with the diapers, colic, projectile vomiting and 2 am feedings. I won’t even get into imagining the teen years. And only a woman in a similar stage of denial would consider accepting the offer.

I have some questions. Do either of these people know anyone who has children? Do they remember their own childhoods? Do they understand how much time, attention, and love it takes to be a parent? What is this freaking’ father going to do, hire a nanny and pat himself on the back? Does he know how hurtful it is for any child to have a father who is indifferent and doesn’t give a crap? What kind of role models do this couple imagine they are being, and what sort of relationship do they envision any of the kids will aspire to in the future after being raised like this?

Excuse me, I’m going to have to go get a box of kleenex. The drool just keeps on comin’.

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About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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4 Responses to A child is not a DOG!

  1. Single Parent says:

    There is really no compromise, but if you really want a child, you will understand that you’ll be a single parent. And, looking back in history, men are not much in the children’s lives any way. The men will find food or go to war, and the children will be fine. Bottom line, it is the mom who takes of the children. I’m not saying that is good or bad, but kids will survive in a loving environment.

    Oh, don’t forget about divorced parents and they end up being a single parent? Is it that much of a difference than your situation? Families are dysfunctional and not perfect. As long as that child is love by one parent, that’s all it matters.

    I would strongly believe that he will change his mind once he holds the baby because he will see you in the child. If he loves you as much as you say he does, he will help you when you really need him.

    When you do get pregnant, just be ready to be a single parent!

  2. Dear Single Parent,

    Being a single parent is not the same as being as single parent with the father in the house ignoring the kid. There is no way this decision will not ruin her marriage and turn her into a real single parent. This is the decision she will be making. Also love of one parent can not compensate for the cold shoulder of the other IN THE SAME HOUSE. This is dysfunctional. In fact it will probably result in overcompensation by her which is equally as damaging to a child as ignoring them.

    Rather than comparing to single parenting it is more similar to a teenager having a baby and letting her mom raise it while she living with them ignores it and parties. It will work for a while but eventually it will mess with the child emotionally.

    Dr. Brilliant Cliché

  3. Rockie says:

    Raising a child is one the most important responsibilities you will every undertake, at the same time it is the most rewarding. Raising a child as a single parent, though hard, can be accomplished and can result in wonderful, healthy, children growing into similar adults. However, if the father is in the house, yet neglects to provide love, affection, and guidance to his child, this can emotionally scar the child for life. You need to decide how much you want a child, and how much you want to with this man, because there is no healthy way, given the current circumstances, for you to succeed at with both. It might not be a good idea either to just hope he comes to accept and love the baby once the baby arrives. That is a risk, and a risk that could potentially harm the child indefinitely.

  4. @ Rockie – I agree. A better option for this woman would be the big sister program. Then she can help raise a child but it would not live with her and she would have control over how much time to devote to it. This scenario would not interfere with her relationship with her selfish but playing at being unselfish husband.

    Dr. B.C.

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