Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,
I really need to talk to somebody about this, because I sure can’t tell my parents.
OK, I am on the ski team at my high school. An instructor was hired this year who is so cute, all my friends had crushes on him.
He has that sort of out-of-reach look, almost like a movie star, so it was all the more amazing when he began to pay special attention to me.
No one has ever done that before and I’m not one of the most popular girls, so it made me feel important… and sort of off-balance.
I don’t know why he is interested, so I am afraid he will stop being interested.
Anyway, my friends all noticed and it was fun for a while being the center of attention, but then, something happened. One day when the other girls had left he said he wanted to talk to me in the coach’s office. He was just being nice at first, but then he asked me to sit on his lap, in a playful way, and even though I felt a little uncomfortable, I didn’t want to break the spell or displease him. One thing led to another, and he kissed. me. I have to admit, I felt something.
Over the last weeks, things have gone even further. On a ski trip to New Hampshire, after everyone else went to bed, he asked me to come to his cabin. That’s when we went all the way.
I don’t really know how to handle this. Every time I look at him, I am attracted by how cute and self-assured he is… but I feel so insecure and afraid.
Does he really care about me? What’s going to happen when I graduate next year?
He’s asked me not to tell anyone and I understand why- he could lose his job. But I feel like I am in over my head and I need some advice. Help!
It feels good to be special but Stephen King said it the best: “Secrets are like heart worms. They eat you from the inside out.” If you have to keep it to yourself, being “special” will quickly become a curse.
The difference between a relationship and sexual abuse is this SECRET aspect. It’s not really bad touch, as he is treating you nicely, but it is secret touch! That is always wrong and always harmful. Secrets will isolate you from your friends and family. There will be this wall between you and everyone you love and who loves you. This gives him an exaggerated importance that is not only dysfunctional but impossible. NO ONE CAN BE ANYONE ELSE’S EVERYTHING!!!!
By sleeping with you he is already in serious trouble, it just hasn’t caught up with him yet. Trust me, it will. You need to be honest and tell a family member you trust. You will grow to resent what you perceive as their indifference, despite the fact that they don’t know anything about your problem. This type of anger may be irrational, but it can last a long time.
Your coach is in a position of power and respect. Using that position to gain favors is wrong. You might believe that you are in love with him, but at your age you’re supposed to be learning to develop a love for yourself. If you don’t start now from the point of self-respect, you will sell yourself short your entire life.
It doesn’t matter whether he is in love with you or he is just toying with you. Relationships are supposed to be equal. Yours is not an equal relationship. Your love is that of possession.
Teen literature is filled with Romeo and Juliet fantasies such as the one in Twilight. But remember how they all end- death, sacrifice, and tragedy. Is he worth it?
Dr. Brilliant Cliché
Granny says: I’m not even going to bother analyzing this one. Your ski instructor is a cad, pure and simple. This is a typical move by any predator- isolate the prey and go for the throat.
What is the first thing that you want to do with a guy who might be “the one?” Take him home to meet mom and dad, right? Is this ever going to happen with Mr. Ski? Nope. Because NO ONE CAN KNOW. He’s made you into some back door ‘ho. You occupy a position of that carries no respect, no prospect for the future. This is not something a man does to a woman he really cares about. It’s what he does with his secret sex toys.
What is SO wrong about this is that he knows full well how susceptible young girls are to flattery, how much you want to be special, how vulnerable you are. Don’t kid yourself. EVERY older man knows how easy teenaged girls are to manipulate.
Go to the light, Lynn, go to the light. Tell your parents and get some allies. Unveil the SECRET. If Mr. Ski loses his job, too freaking’ bad. He shouldn’t be teaching children if he can’t keep his hands off them.