“The internet is for PORN”

Dear Dr. Brilliant;

I thought it was a harmless past time… but now I am beginning to
wonder.

My boyfriend recently got a computer after years of scoffing at
them. He established an email account and started surfing the web.

At first he just diddled with it in the morning, checking his in
box, and later at night before going to bed. Now, sometimes he doesn’t go to
bed. He just sits up until 3am with his head in front of the screen.

When I really began to wonder was on our anniversary. We had a nice dinner and some wine and then went to bed and made love. I fell asleep right after, but was awoken in the wee hours by the sound of tapping keys. My boyfriend had gotten out of bed and was busy at his computer surfing again!!!

He talks to me less and less, seems to hide what he’s doing more and more. When I did a little computer snooping to see if I could trace some of what he was up to, I found that he’d expunged the “cookies” from his history logs.

I am beginning to fear that my boyfriend has an unhealthy
fixation. What do you think?

Angie O’Plasty

Dear Angie,

As Avenue Q says “The internet is for porn.”
Internet addiction is diagnosed by the amount of time spent on the web and whether it is affecting one’s relationship and real life. It sounds like he is getting there. Talk to him and discuss how you feel about porn, magazines, etc. If you are dead set against it , consider this- he is adult; so whether you agree or not masturbation will happen and if it’s within reasonable limits it is actually healthy for a relationship. Most religions have some reason
people shouldn’t masturbate but this is stupid. If “every sperm was sacred,” as Monty Python put it, we would all die rapidly from overpopulation.

In the busy, crazy life we all lead today one cannot expect one’s partner to be
always ready, willing and able.  The best thing you could do, if it doesn’t affront your sensibilities, is to watch with him every now and then. Perhaps sharing this outlet will decrease its secrecy, thus it’s attraction. Sex is not bad; secrecy is. And we always want more of what we actually can’t have.

In your discussions with your boyfriend set a proper place and time for his nocturnal sports. I.e. not in your bedroom unless it is with you. Not all night long and not during family time. Get the practice now, as you should have the same masturbation edicate conversations with your kids.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny has some other thoughts to offer.

First- find out first what is going on. It has actually happened that guys suspected
of infidelity & porn were planning nice surprises for their partners. And
sure, it could all be innocent fun, but… let’s face it. Most of us don’t try to
hide innocent fun.

The problem isn’t with masturbation or even with the secrecy, although the secrecy
sure isn’t good. The BIG problem is with fixation. That which we repeat over
and over and over again becomes reflexively ingrained. The Inuit believed that
the way to keep a person alive was to speak their name and to remember them.
Your boyfriend is keeping his porn life alive… and abandoning you.

The suggestion that Dr. Brilliant made to watch with him might work if this is just
a light fancy and he isn’t fully absorbed in it. But I have to say- if he is
really addicted to internet porn, any sex you share with him could just become
more fodder for his fantasy fires. Do you think he’s going to stop thinking
when he isn’t in the bedroom? According to statistics, 70 % of all internet
porn traffic occurs during the 9-5 work day. All he will do is continue
obsessing over cyber porn until he can get away from you and really enjoy it.
He’ll pretend he’s disinterested to your face, to shield his addiction. You
have no idea what addicts will do to protect their habits.

If your boyfriend becomes fixated on jerking off to fantasy on the internet, he’s
conditioning himself out of having sex with a real person; there is not a
person in the world who can live up to the fantasy of web porn. This means he’s
not giving himself you anymore. He’s just getting you out of the way so he can
be where he really wants to be.

Lucky you, no pesky marriage license, no commitment, no kids… so lay it on the line
with your boyfriend. Tell him that his computer activities are having a damaging effect on the relationship. If, at a crisis point such as this, he won’t reveal what he is up to, then you DO NOT WANT HIM IN YOUR LIFE. DO you want the rest of your life to be like this?

Have a serious talk. This is serious stuff. Remember those statistics-  70 % of all internet porn traffic occurs during the 9-5 work day. If you boyfriend is really into this, he could be
endangering his financial future as well as his personal relationship with you.

Internet porn generates $57 billion revenue worldwide each year. Internet porn is
addictive. As with any addiction, the dealers use a lot of tricks to lure
addicts in and enhance the high.

Your boyfriend may be on the hook and if he is… he ain’t gonna come off it easy. I
wish you the best and just remember- these were all HIS decisions. No matter
what went on between you, a healthy individual wouldn’t turn to porn to solve
the problems. So don’t let him lay any crap on you.

statistics  (http://healthymind.com/s-porn-stats.html)

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About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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