I just don’t’ Feel it

I just don’t’ Feel it:

Dear Dr. Brilliant cliché,
Why don’t I like the nice guys? My current boyfriend is all that I could ask for. He treats me well. I trust him. He respects me; but the spark just isn’t there. I do not feel it.
With my past boyfriends there was passion, but when it comes down to it and if I am honest with myself I did not trust them.
-Fickled and frustrated.

Dear F&F,
This is an easy, but very good, question. We live in a codependent and dysfunctional culture. We are taught to act in a way that is other than our instinctive selves. You can only have the skills acquired through growing up in this culture. You can only know what you know. Thus the only relationships you can relate to are codependent and dysfunctional. It is precisely the fact that you do not trust them that excites you. It seems spontaneous, exciting, dangerous! And of course it is dysfunctional and cannot last. In our culture, sex is a game. According to the rules of this game, women are not really supposed to want it or have it. All sex in our culture is essentially veiled forms of rape. The number one female sexual fantasy is various forms of being ‘taken’, ranging from the white knight swooping in to save the day, to the actual stranger forcing himself upon them. The archetype of this fantasy is the caveman bopping the girl on the head and dragging her by her hair into the cave. The only problem is- this is not true and actually never was. Most pre Greek cultures were matriarchal. Before the Greeks, God was a Female and a fierce one at that. Woman decided when and where to have sex and men obliged. When God became male, woman by necessity had to become virginal, innocent, naive. Thus the games began. Women now had to be taken, persuaded, and convinced. No means yes, persist and she will give in. And the underlying idea- it’s not my fault or responsibility; it’s his for forcing me.
Dr. Brilliant cliché

Dear Dr. Brilliant cliché,
Is it bad/wrong that we role play mild S&M?
-Fickled and frustrated.

Dear F&F,
Yes. I find it funny and Ironic that you finally found the nice boy and nice relationship where you’re being treated well… and you fantasize and role play with treating each other poorly. Sex is adult play. In it, we practice skills and behaviors that permeate all aspects of all our relationships. If these skills do not reflect how you want to be treated as a person and how you want your relationships to be, then they are incongruent. You will not be learning or practicing the skills you need in life in order to be who you want to be. How do you want to be treated? S&M represents skills of inequality, control, power, games, dishonesty, manipulation, secrets and an overall lack of respect. These are not the skills you would want to role model. It is not a position from which you can be powerful and in control in real life. Even if it is a compensation for feeling meek, taken advantage of and confused in real life, in truth it only reinforces these very things. The point is that you should always be equal to those around you and in direct, reciprocal relationships with healthy and advantageous boundaries. This concept may not seem fun or exciting; but if so, it is only because the skills needed to find passion in a healthy reciprocal relationship are lacking in our culture. These skills do exist and can easily be found. Within this other sets of skills, there are equally if not greater levels of passion and sexuality which can be reached; and these DO reinforce strong healthy people.
The skills learned in Tantra reflect honor, respect, trust, equality, being there in the moment, and being a witness to each other. These skills, when practiced and learned, are the antithesis of those we learn growing up in our culture and will help break the codependent cycle. Here, your sexual practices will not be out of sync with who you want to be as a person; nor from how you want to be treated in all aspects of life.
Also- in Tantric practice the passion comes from trusting your partner. Trust is the basis for every healthy relationship.
Dr. Brilliant Cliché


About Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Dr. Brilliant Cliché and the Granny Dr. are a fictional web presence and advice blog. Together we offer a joint perspective that is deep but not academic, entertaining but not fluff, and educated yet street smart. By joining the internet community we hope to share thoughts and stimulate insightful conversation around pressing issues that affect us all. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. (This is not a site for therapy nor does it intend to replace medical or other professional care. ) You can leave comments here or email The Dr. at dr.brilliantcliche@yahoo.com and don’t forget to like us on facebook. Our facebook page is Dr. Brilliant Cliche
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