Can’t I just slap her one?

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché;

I am getting fed up with the whole “victim” thing women have going for themselves with domestic abuse. Yes, it’s a terrible thing to abuse anyone and no one should do it. But the situation is not always that black and white.

In my last marriage, I admit I didn’t have my temper under control. But I swear, my wife would deliberately push buttons that she knew would infuriate me and would slap me on the face, then scream her head off if I slapped her back. For heaven’s sake, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there and take it?

Fed Up Fred

Dear Fed Up Fred,

Sometimes when people grow up in extremely volatile and expressive families they see this sort of drama as acceptable communication. If no one is exploding they might even feel they aren’t noticed or loved. Your wife may have grown up in a family like this. She may have even chosen you because of it.

Some women make the mistake of picking men with poor boundaries who lack the ability to walk away themselves. However, this doesn’t mean there’s any excuse for slapping your wife, even if she is “pushing you” to be aggressive.

Relationships are a dance. I’ve never seen one person being able to actively lead without the other actively following. In a codependent relationship the taker is as much to blame as the giver. One couldn’t persist without the other.

Unfortunately these issues are rarely dealt with effectively in therapy. People give their story from their own point of view, and the other person is usually “the bad guy.” There is a general lack of perspective as to their own role in continuing the situation.

If your wife is pushing your buttons the last thing you want to do is react to it. You can acknowledge, “ It seems to me you are upset.” You can affirm, “It’s certainly been a shitty day.” But it is not acceptable to scream, yell or hit back. If she is seriously threatening you, then call the police. Otherwise, just put yourself in time out. “I have to leave to cool down, I will talk to you when I feel calm. I wish you would do the same.”

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: I always have to laugh at the sensible suggestions therapists make regarding the handling of agitated spouses: “it seems to me you are upset.” Ha ha. Yeah, that’ll work.

Fred, everyone chose’s a partner who plays a game that they understand. Unless you married your wife the same day you met and her personality was a total surprise, you knew what you were getting into. I don’t want to hear this bullshit about how she pushed your buttons and you had no choice but to hit her. You were just waiting for an excuse, or you wouldn’t have stuck around through all the screaming. Listen. I have this to say about men hitting women. A slap from your wife stings and makes you angry. It’s sort of like slapping a Labrador Retriever when he’s been bad. There’s no way you can hurt the dog, but it gets the point across. A man hitting a woman is a different story. Unless we are talking about an Amazon who had been training regularly at the gym, women are more fragile than men. You slap them hard, it’s like slapping a kitten. You can do some serious damage. Fortunately, it seems from your question that this marriage is in the past. Before you get involved with anyone else, I strongly suggest you examine yourself. Blaming your wife won’t stop you from making the same bad choices in the future.

I am forced to agree with you on one issue- too many women see themselves as “victims” when they are allowing or even encouraging abuse to happen. But the fact remains- if you are the one who has your shit together, the only intelligent response to unfair slapping is to walk away. When you get into it, all you do is turn yourself into another abuser. And god knows, the world doesn’t need another one of those.

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Woes me or the suffering narcissist:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

I can admit that my grandmother had a difficult life- it was filled with losses and sacrifice. All of this is many years in the past; yet she remains an embittered and isolated person. My mom goes out of her way to try to be nice and help but grandma’s downright mean to her. I hate watching it. I don’t know why my mom doesn’t tell granny to just get f..cked. My guess is that it’s out of guilt. It seems Grandma goes out of her way to poison my mother’s outlook on life. She is constantly telling her how ungrateful people are, how everyone is trying to screw you.

My mom remembers a time when grandma was just the opposite- in her youth she was overtly cheerful and optimistic, probably even naïvely so. That was before all the bad stuff happened. I know there’s not anything I can really do but I just hate to see her effect on my mother. Why can’t grandma just let go and live for today?

Miss Havisham

Dear Miss Havisham

For some people, suffering is all they have. It is a tangible thing that they hold on to and in a warped way it provides them security, consistency, and comfort. The alternative is ambiguity and the unknown, which means fear.

The suffering you speak of is your grandmother’s suffering and who are you to take it away? It is how she defines herself. I call this “the martyr type.” For such people, it is all about them. They cast themselves as a sort of negative hero. It takes a higher level of internal maturity to see life, not from a what was done to you, but how you handled and survived it. It is possible to grow from tragic experience or to help someone else because of it. Unfortunately, most people never realize that shit makes the best fertilizer.

All of the above is why antidepressants are a mixed bag. They might move a person away from their suffering but in doing so they also potentially prevent them from learning from it. For this reason, I feel that antidepressants should never be prescribed without counseling.

I hope grandma learns to garden, it is never too late.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: holding on to bitterness is probably was one the worst things a person can do. Constant negative emotions impact both physical health and emotional quality of life. The big mistake that grandma is making is in isolating herself. This is probably one of the reasons why she can’t let go. She has completely lost perspective on anything she is feeling. If the only person she talks to is herself, the only feedback she will ever get is, “Yeah, life sucks and everyone is out to get you.” I don’t think your mother is tolerant towards granny because of guilt; if it was all about guilt, then your mother would be bickering and fighting with grandma, not tolerating. I am going to credit your mom with understanding that if she can hold on to her own positive energy in the face of bitterness, it makes the world a bit brighter. Good for mom. As to antidepressants- I am becoming ever more vehement against their use. They are prescribed by medical doctors who have no psychological experience whatsoever, and they are doled out by psychiatrists like M&Ms because they fit the requirements of those freaking’ insurance companies: slap a Band-Aid on the problem, send ‘em back to work, and spend as little time and money on it as possible.

The constant outbreaks of violence in our country are indicative of a people who can’t handle emotions. If the DSM5 has it’s way, none of us ever will.

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Two hearts beating as one

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

How do you not lose your identity when you marry? I feel as if I have become my partner! After 20 years of marriage, and giving up my career to be a stay at home mommy, I have no idea who I am or what I want to do with my life anymore. Worse than that, my husband doesn’t want me to get a job or leave the house to pursue my own interests- it angers him as he feels “don’t I provide for you enough?”

One

Dear One,

If someone loses their identity once they marry, they probably already had identity insecurity before they ever met the person they entered into a codependent relationship with. It is this insecurity that causes them to select the spouse that they do. A person who believes they are weak or untrustworthy will pick someone they think is strong and self assured. Unfortunately, such people don’t understand what true strength is, so they pick someone instead who is merely loud or narcissistic.

Culturally we are taught that the formula for a good relationship is 1 plus 1 equals 1. Some people even write this into their vows- two people functioning as one. But I believe that in a healthy relationship the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. 1 + 1 is actually 3, You, Me and We. Every part of this triad needs to be fed in order to keep a relationship healthy. The “you are my everything” point of view deprives the relationship of each person’s uniqueness and individual contribution. A relationship can’t work unless both individuals are bringing something of themselves to the partnership. If you live only for each other, it not only gets old and boring but it is a lie. I can’t know you if you don’t teach me who you are. If I live only for you, you will only be a projection of me.

You must have a firm identity in the first place in order not to lose yourself in someone else. You have to set good boundaries from the start for your husband to not expect you to be his trophy. It is not too late to set things straight…but if he becomes abusive, get out!!!

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: I hate to be a wet blanket, but I suspect that if you want to find your own identity, your current spouse is gonna have to go. He married you BECAUSE you would follow his lead. If you try to be your own person, he’s going to do nothing but sabotage your efforts. He doesn’t want an individual with a mind of her own. He wants a show dog.
However, do NOT, I repeat, do NOT try to forge a new life Without getting some counseling. All you will do is find yourself with another man who wants a compliant canine. I would strongly suggest going back to school. You need to learn some new tricks, or you will just fall back into being the same old dog.

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Euthanasia and genocide

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché

I raise horses and my dad just suffered a massive heart attack. He is in hospice
but clearly he is suffering. I would never allow one of my horses to persist in
this condition. Why must I with my dad? I live in a state where euthanasia is
not legal.

Livia Nomore

Dear Livia;

Law is not based on right or wrong, nor on moral good or bad. It’s intention might begin that way but what the law is really based on is precedent. Once an argument is
successfully made it can be lifted out of context in what’s called the slippery
slope. Because of this, as humans we need to be careful and err on the side of caution even if it seems that on a personal level it takes some choice from you and your family. Otherwise you could use the argument for euthanasia to justify genocide; this has happened before in extremely rational cultures.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: I am watching my cat die slowly from repeated strokes right now. It is completely legal for me to take her to the vet and send her on the Big Sleep.
But despite the constant tending and trouble she is, when I think about taking the final step, I just can’t do it.

There is always a point at which suffering far outweighs the quality of life, for any living thing. But determining that point is not as easy as you’d think.
My cat appears to be in dreadful shape because she has stopped grooming herself and keeps walking in circles to the right because half her brain is gone.
She staggers as she moves about the room and can’t climb stairs.
But if I pick her up and hold her, she purrs and snuggles to sleep.
She still has an appetite for her food and she can sometimes figure out where her litter box is.
She actually seems more content than when she was a demanding little bitch who bit every stranger who tried to pick her up.
Do I kill her because she’s a bit more trouble to take care of? Is that my call to make?

I do understand your pain. Everyone who watches a formerly strong parent enter their demise wants it to be over. But the elderly have lost a certain awareness that still plagues us, and we are projecting ourselves onto them when we imagine how they feel. Do you want their feeble fumblings to end? Of course you do, the situation totally sucks.
But if it came time to pull the plug, you might have more of a struggle with that decision than you imagine. Dead is forever.
Annoyance and irritation fade in time and all you are left with is what you did.

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“Life is what you make it to be, even if it’s shitty”

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché;

I think I may have spent the entire first half of my life believing that a magic prince was going to ride in and save me from all of my problems. I believed that if I found The One, I would be taken care of for the rest of my life. I also thought that success meant the high paying job and recognition. And that being attractive was the most important thing of all.
Just about every TV show or movie I saw supported these ideas. Even the bloody fairy tales I was read as a child did!

I am in my 60’s now and I realize the whole thing was bunk. I wasted a lot of time looking for guys to take care of me that I could have put to much better use
gathering skills so that I could be independent and strong. The times that I managed to have a fully funded relationship were some of the least productive times in my life.
I always felt insecure because something seemed hollow at the center of it.

Here’s my question- is it just my imagination, or does the culture around us support a largely meaningless set of values?

Carrie Nation

Dear Carrie,

When was a child, I believed that it would all work out, for myself and the human race in general. I was convinced that there would always be a rescue. As an adult, I realize that it is irrelevant if everything works out or not, or whether we are saved or not. What matters is the work we all do towards being the best we can be. Knowing that I do my best is enough. Trying to live a good life is enough. Expecting salvation is self-defeating as it only becomes an excuse to give up trying when things get too hard.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says,

When I was younger and wanted to grow up to be an artist, I thought you “became famous” and if you didn’t, you’d failed. Now I realize that in the bigger picture, failure and making mistakes is how you learn new things…and success is having the time to do the stuff that means something to you.

Some 15 years ago I was married to a man who worked in advertising, a very lucrative field. A memory that stands out is of the lavish Christmas parties the agencies used to throw. Inevitably, at about 2am, one of the executives with a six figure income would be drunk and maudlin and tell me a story about how much he wished he could just hang it all up and do art for the sake of art again. But he was saddled with a big house, three luxury cars and several ex-wives who were bleeding him dry. He was caught in the American Dream and wished he was dead. I can certainly believe that he would wish he was dead when he woke up the next morning.

Yes, we are taught many empty values in this country. Fortunately we still have free choice. Make good choices. It is the one thing you will never regret.

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The other half of co-dependence:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

My therapist told me to find a book on co-dependence so today I visited the Sober Camel, an AA book store. My last two husbands were alcoholics and my therapist is trying to prevent me from getting involved with yet another one. There were so many books on this theme that I spent the whole day flipping through them but I just did not seem to fit the mold. They talked about shame, guilt, poor self esteem and being easily manipulated. That is not me. I am a good Christian and I loved my husbands despite the fact that they were good for nothing. I did everything in my power to help them. They became my whole life. It was only when things became so bad that it was affecting our kids that I left number one. Number two left me, despite the fact that I put him through school! As soon as he got on his feet he walked away.

I have infinite love and don’t see myself as having poor self esteem. I am just being a good person. Does this make me co-dependent?

Belle

Dear Belle,

You are quite codependent in a way that is common in our culture- you put other’s needs before your own. You sacrifice yourself and show your love by doing tasks. You are a ‘giving tree,’ like in Shel Silverstein’s book of the same title. You see yourself as a hero but heroes die and giving trees get cut down. The consequence in your case is that you are role modeling codependent dysfunctional relationships for your kids. This is why children of enablers often marry substance abusers themselves.

It’s true that books are often written solely from the point of view that partners of alcoholics are victims; but as you noticed, you are not a victim. I’ve found that just as often, it’s the case that when one partner does too much, it enables the other to do too little. By your sacrifices you are only maintaining status quo; and your partner can continue to avoid his own issues.

Codependent enablers often see themselves as heroes rescuing others. But this type of rescue keeps partners weak and violates their free will. Instead of being grateful, they just get mad at you. Being rescued fosters dependence; adults often resent those they depend on.

Enabling heroes believe that love is redemptive. Ironically, the more you love someone unconditionally the more they are likely to stay the same. A broken child can sometimes be healed to a certain extent by unconditional love; but not always.

Change is difficult and really can only be achieved through personal struggle. People often don’t choose this personal struggle if someone else is enabling them. A healthy life is about balance. I recommend you try to find someone who can take care of themselves yet still chooses to be with you. This is more a balanced relationship.

The rule of thumb I teach clients is, “If you are mothering someone you can’t sleep with them, that is incest!”

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: the Martyr Hero model has been around for a long time. It’s a fabulous diversion for people who prefer to focus on solving other’s people’s problems rather than fixing their own. My own mother was a martyr and I despised her for it. After undergoing therapy in my 20’s I realized exactly what her problem was and tried to talk with her about it. She was oblivious. She couldn’t imagine seeing the world any way other than she did. She tolerated a neglectful husband and meddled in everyone’s life on a constant basis until a month or so before she died of heart failure at age 59. At that point, she was just too tired to care anymore.

The last time I saw her, it was such a relief to not have her asking me what I wanted every five minutes and presenting me with things she’d bought me that I’d never need or want. It was the fondest memories I have of her. I didn’t cringe every time she came in the room. I didn’t know she was going to die, I just saw that she’d finally hung up the martyr shroud and it was like a burden had been lifted. Solve your own problems, Belle, and stop meddling and mothering. No one appreciates it quite as much as you.

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Loosey Goosey:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

How can one measure the looseness or tightness of their vagina?? I have a fear that I am loose. How can I get it tighter without surgery?

Miss Fit

Dear Miss Fit,

As a therapist I always have to ask what provokes a question. If you have been told you are “too loose”, and in an insensitive manner, this is probably a symptom of a much larger problem. There is rarely such a thing as being “too loose” if you’re in good health, reasonably fit, and have not yet had children. If your partner has cited this as a flaw, it could it be his size, not yours. Of course, after giving birth there can be another story.

The vagina is made to expand and accommodate, but after delivery it can often use some help getting back into shape. There are simple exercises for the pubococcygeal muscle which supports the pelvic viscera. I will let Granny explain how they work, since, lacking a vagina, I’ve never actually done them. There are additional perks in training this muscle. Contracting it during intercourse will give your partner a nice surprise. However, as with all body building, don’t go crazy with it. A snug fit is great but too much of a good thing can be problematic. I once dated a woman who could crack a vibrator with her vagina. This made sex with her a little bit scary- she had to be careful not to inflict permanent damage.

There are other issues to watch for in good vaginal health. Lubrication and elasticity are functions of estrogen, so pain during intercourse is a sign there might be an imbalance. Some woman complain of quite the opposite of your question- they feel so “tight” that intercourse is painful. This could be from fear, anxiety, or bad technique, because the vagina will accommodate anything to the size of a baby.

A sex therapist might be helpful for you.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: the exercise that Dr. Brilliant speaks of is called a kegel and I got quite an education when I took natural childbirth classes. First, you need to locate the muscles in question. Here’s how: the next time you are peeing, clench and cut the urine off midstream. Congratulations- you’ve done a kegel! This exercise is best done lying on your back. To begin, tighten those pelvic floor muscles, hold for five seconds, and then relax for five seconds. Work up to keeping the muscles contracted for 10 seconds at a time, then relaxing for 10 seconds between contractions. Don’t hold your breath! What you want to aim for is three sets of ten repetitions per day. Be consistent!

Does it work? Yes, it does. And Granny can testify personally about that “surprise your partner” thing. The first time you give this little “handshake” to a guy, he usually freaks out. If you want to have some fun with him, pretend you don’t know what he’s talking about.

Here’s the practical truth- if you continue a kegel clench off and on during intercourse, the size of your vagina is irrelevant; the effect is dynamite. I’ve applied the clench method when I was with a guy who had a rather small organ; it seems to level the playing field on both ends. Another plus- tightening your vaginal muscles during orgasm actually intensifies the sensation and can open the door to those “multiple orgasms” most people only read about in porn mags. I recommend this technique for every woman. You’re welcome, men.

A final note- there is no standard size you can apply to sexual organs; they are what they are. Comparing yourself is the road to madness. The idea is to find a partner who appreciates YOU.

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The depression of success:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

I am a 38 years old and have it all. Good job, good husband, great kids, enough money, and a dog. We have a nice house in a nice suburb of a nice city. Things were great until three months ago when I asked myself, “is this it?” Now I can’t quiet my mind. I am restless and I feel empty. I can’t enjoy my kids, husband or situation. Every time I fake an orgasm I feel like a piece of me has died. Am I going crazy? My best friend is on antidepressants and says it sounds like I need one too. Lately I have been obsessing about this guy at work and I am afraid I will do something stupid. What is going on? I have no reason or right to feel this way.

Losing It.

Dear loosing it,

If this is the first time you have ever felt this way, I call this the depression of success. By all of our cultural standards, you have won. End of game. Some poets have killed themselves upon achieving success rather than go on and loose what they have achieved. I call that narcissistic stupidity.

What you have built up to this point is a base. It is a starting point for the next level. Trashing it and starting over would not only be stupid but would also eventually lead to this exact same point again. Now that you are secure and stable it’s time to think about someone other than yourself. When Madonna reached this point she adopted a poor starving Afro-American child. This child brought meaning to her life, through service. This was something she learned from the Kabbalah. For you, some form of charity or service would serve the same purpose. You might argue, “but I have no time!” But I have to ask- if you have the leisure to contemplate the meaningless of your life and enough time on your hands to contemplate screwing it all up, you have plenty of time to rearrange your schedule to do service and help someone who doesn’t have your blessings.

I was curious as to what she would say so I asked my ten year old daughter how she would solve this problem. Her response: “get into art!” Since art is about learning how to look, you could probably use this skill.

We live in a throw away culture and many people who have reached the same point you have throw their lives away as well. You can be infinitely more imaginative than that.

Taking antidepressants for this type of depression is our cultural reflex, but it is a mistake. Medication will just enable a person to avoid making important changes in their life. For a while you will feel better; you might care less about everything. But over time, if you change nothing in your life and add nothing of substance to it, you will come again to emptiness. Your doctors will probably up your medication, then change your medication, and soon what started as an esoteric crisis will be diagnosed as bipolar because the medication itself will cause bigger and bigger emotional crashes. Sometimes antidepressants can be lifesaving but not all depression is the same. Find someone who can help you distinguish the difference.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: I’m not as ready to classify these feelings of yours as narcissistic stupidity, Losing It, although the solutions that you are considering don’t show a great deal of intelligence. I think that you are long over-due for a self-evaluation, and you at least have the sense to question your first instinct to reach for pills and illicit sex to fill the void you admittedly now face. What I am first taken by is that in qualifying yourself as “having it all,” you list absolutely nothing but material possessions and social standing. I’ll give you a nod for the kids and the dog, but you distinctly left out the fake orgasms; I suspect you left out a lot more as well. You are living in a house of cards, lady, and it’s starting to come down.

In our culture, we are trained to be good consumers, otherwise there would soon be no culture left. Everything here costs money. People won’t struggle to get the cash to buy goods unless they are brainwashed into thinking that material possessions and personal desirability are the ultimate goals in life. You’ve been brainwashed. Now, for the first time in your life, you are starting to realize how empty this “dream” you’ve achieved is.

Perhaps you can bring more meaning to your life through service, but I would not go into it with attitude of “I have so much, now I must give to the less fortunate.” Quite honestly, you ain’t so fortunate. You are spiritually empty, selfish and shallow. All you have to give is your time and your money. Before you can give emotionally to anyone else, you need to gain some genuine emotions. Perhaps you should do some volunteer work with the idea that YOU have something to gain, not those poor souls whom you are supposedly saving.

I can’t read Madonna’s mind or make any assessments as to her spiritual depth or motivations, but I do have to observe that the one time in recent history when I saw her out with her adopted African son, they were at the Grammy’s, both dressed up like pimps and acting cool and cocky. Madonna did not exactly seem to be extolling virtue or service of any kind. It looked to me as her son was following in his adopted mother’s craving for the spotlight, status and flashy clothing. I’ll say no more.

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My son is exposing himself:

Dr. Brilliant Cliché,

My wife and I divorced nearly nine years ago. After the divorce, she moved back to be with her parents in another state, taking my three children with her. I talk to them every day, but I am not there to discipline them.
Since my divorce, I’ve developed another relationship and have two additional children. My middle child, who is living with my ex wife, is now eleven and is acting up in school. Today, I was told that he exposed himself in front of his class.
I am not there to punish him. I don’t have time to find out what is wrong. I don’t understand his behavior and I don’t know what to do, but it has me concerned. Far Dad

Dear Dad,

This is a difficult situation but if you don’t have a great relationship with your ex you are at her mercy because she has primary placement. How much she will allow you to help may depend on her feelings about you. However, as you said, you don’t have much time; and if punishing him is your idea of helping, you wouldn’t really be much help.

Your son needs to be seen by a counselor in order to objectively evaluate the situation. He is too old for this sort of behavior to be simply normal experimenting. He knows this isn’t a socially acceptable thing to do. This is serious. He needs help and he needs it now. Offer to pay for it if they have no insurance.

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: I’ll be honest, Far Dad- my advice to you is to stay far, far away. Punishing your son under such circumstances would have been a foolish thing to do. You don’t want to drive his impulses underground…it is important to shine a clear light on such a troubled gesture. I’m with Dr. Brilliant on this one. Your son needs to see a therapist, and he needs to do it pronto. By the time a child is eleven, if he does not understand that flashing is inappropriate behavior, he has been raised under a rock. This was a cry for help. Far better that he make such an appeal where help might be found, than to commit inappropriate acts where no one will see. Punishment won’t help at all, but your financial backing could help your son get the treatment he needs. Fork it over if need be and let your wife handle this.

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Nude photo requirement:

Dear Dr. Brilliant Cliché:

Why do famous people have nude photos of themselves in the first place? Is it a job requirement? I don’t know anyone who has nude photos of themselves??? At least not that they admit to. Does everyone secretly have nude photos of themselves and I missed something socially? Should I do the naked selfie now?

Naked and waiting

Dear Naked,

I have no idea!

Dr. Brilliant Cliché

Granny says: oh, please. It’s obvious. The one thing that nearly 100% of famous people have in common is that they are self-obsessed and want attention. This self-obsession is usually narcissistic in nature, and those who think that they are beautiful have GOT to document the evidence. Physical perfection is fleeting. What if nobody ever saw how beautiful they were? It would be like it never happened.

To be honest, I like looking at pictures of attractive naked people. They are like living statues, lovely in line and form. Of course, it’s a violation when a stranger broadcasts such pictures without consent, but anyone who keeps nude photos someplace where hackers can get to them, I can’t be that sympathetic.

Another thing- sometimes nude photos and sex tapes ARE how people become famous. Look at Kim Kardashian, for god’s sake. She has nothing to recommend her except for a silly voice that is dynamite fodder for SNL skits. Were it not for her “stolen” sex tape, we’d never know who she was.

I have one last observation to make about naked celebrity photos that go viral- the star in question is always drop dead gorgeous. Otherwise, no one would want to look.

Perhaps the best protection against stolen viral pictures is to get REALLY out of shape and never wear make up. Of course, then the Enquirer will be after you for its “Best and Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies” issue.

Sometimes ya just can’t win.

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